I havent posted in a few days so I thought I would get things caught up ...

Friday - We stayed indoors most the day but in the afternoon we went out to the Earth Fest. It was really hot and pretty much miserable for the kids. I think it would have been a lot more fun had there been more booths and fun things to look at under the tent for the kiddos. It was a short outing but I did get some free wild flower seeds out of it :) The babies where just to hot. Plus Christina's kiddos were dying of heat as well. We were going to go back and check out Radney Foster in the evening when it was cooler but that didnt happen. LOL Cyle was exhausted since he worked late and I was kind of tired as well so we decided to just hang indoors and cuddle up on the couch and watch Couples Retreat together. It was a great movie :) I definitely recommend it!Sat-we just kind of chilled around the house. I worked on some homework stuff and we took the babies out so they could play in the front yard. They loved being on their bellies in the warm sun. Man is Texas WINDY! anyways Cyle did some yard work and we just had a good lazy day :)
Today- So far we haven't really done much of anything ...Cyle let me sleep in :) Im just going to work on a buttload of homework. Cyle ran out to go get his haircut and pick us up some mcdonalds.

I am hoping that Cyle can take some much needed leave in June. He has had such a stressful time at his work and he really deserves a break. I think block leave starts in June so hopefully he can take some. We were contemplating going up to NJ in June for my cousins graduation. My good friend Karen also wants to come and visit me in June as well. Im sooo excited !! Im so ready for the summer I am hoping I can find a really cute swimsuit and we can go to the pool a lot this summer. I am a swimmer myself and really think it is important that the babies get exposed to the pool and water as much as possible :)

MMM Seafood lol

So I know the title is about seafood but its not what its about lol ...I just saw a commercial for Joe's Crab shack and I really really want some now :) Especially some crab legs ! Anyways...

So today has been a pretty uneventful day. This week has been a really rough week on me emotionally. This morning I didnt want to get out of bed let alone deal with anything. It is really hard for me to get this out this because I am really embarassed about the whole thing. Its not easy to admit let alone put it out there, but I am severely depressed. Yesterday was especially hard I just couldnt get thoughts of suicide or things like that out of my head. (please dont judge me). All I could do is to just think of my twins and how selfish it would be for me to leave them without a mother. I honestly almost went to the ER. The celexa is obviously not working and I think this is a lot worse than just post partum depression. I hate that I feel this way. I just feel hopeless that I cant get out of this rut. Im consumed by tremendous guilt, these thoughts, everything. Im just stressed out to the max. All I want is to feel happy, is that so much to ask for? I know people have it a lot worse than me (thats the whole guilt part).

I really dont feel like explaining the whole situation but in a nutshell the Army sucks!! I really hope that they get Cyles promotion figured out. If they dont we will be doing a congressional...if they wanna take our pay and the rank Cyle deserves we will have there rank. If anybody can honestly be ok with taking money from a solider who deserves it is a piece of shit. How could they live with themselves. I sware nothing comes easy for my husband. Everything has always had to be a fight for him and I hurts that it has to be like that for him. I love him soo much he is my rock.

I thought Id give a little update on the babies. On the 28th they will be 8 months...man the time flies ! Chloe is up on all fours and rocks back in forth she is taking a few movements forward but like to go backwards lol ...She will be crawling in no time ! Carter on the other hand hates to be on his belly! If he needs to go anywhere or get anything he just rolls where he needs to go haha. I am still working on having the both sit up. They both sit well but have yet to be able to go from on the floor to sitting up by themselves. Chloe likes to do this thing where she arches her back and kick her feet so when she sits up by herself I have to be close by. Carter is already saying Dada and Chloe has said Bubba but only twice. They are always laughing and soo happy. I do have to say that first 3 months was really rough with them. But lately they have been soo amazing and I am soo blessed to have them in my life. They mean soo much to me. I never believed that I could ever love anybody this much. Im so thankful God has blessed me with them and I am forever thankful to Dr Blohm who gave Cyle and I our little miracles :)

In other news I have a close friend who recently found out she is pregnant. I am soo happy for her! Almost makes me want another but then common sense knocks me up side the head and says "Are you crazy!!" lol ...Im soo happy for her I know she will make an amazing mommy !!

Hope everyone has a great day.

Life is too short

Well today has been an ok day so far...I just read they news via my friend Jessica from high school that an oil rig blew up. This saddens me soo much, Jessica's husband works on an oil rig and that could have very well been her husband and I couldn't even imagine going through anything like that. It shouldn't take a horrible event like this to happen to make you appreciate your spouse but it sure does put things into perspective. I couldn't imagine my life without Cyle. He is my rock and my best friend, he is always there for me no matter what wether to annoy me LOL or to just give me a shoulder to cry on. I am truly thankful for all that he does for our family and the time he sacrifices to give our family the best life possible.

Honestly I am an emotional wreck lately. This past vacation turned out to be a train wreck rather then a vacation. I ended up being more emotionally drained then I started out. It really opened my eyes that family does indeed truly come first. I think the biggest mistake I made was thinking that the same group I was apart of a while back would be the same. I think after last nights blog I truly have come to terms with it. People change and so did I. I really had amazing time seeing all my friends though. Going to the park with Mel and Laura was awesome :) I also really enjoyed seeing April for that short time. Seeing Carmen was awesome but I do have to admit it just made me miss her more. I cant believe we have been friends since Germany almost 6 years in September, WOW time flies ! Im really thankful that Jeri opened her home up to me and the twins. I also am very grateful for the girls night out to Tybee at the Crab Shack. It was full of good laughs and great food :) I wish things panned out different but I have no control over that and I truly just need to learn to let things go. I think my biggest problem is that I over think things. I try to look out for people and it only back fires. I just wish people understood were I was coming from and knew that my words were not suppose to be harmful in anyway. I truly mean this with every piece of my being. I'm just really sad and hurt :( It will pass though and things will be ok but until then it is going to haunt me.

I am one of those people that have the unique ability to feel other peoples pain. Its both a blessing and a curse. I need to learn how to channel this into a positive way. This ability also is very interesting because I am hard headed so this ability mixed with being stubborn isn't always a good mix.

Ok I am done rambling for today babies are napping so I should be napping too LOL .. Criminal Minds does look pretty tempting to watch tho. Later Gators !

Eating my soul alive...

So this blog isnt a very happy one...but I need to just let it out ..If you dont like it then don't read..I know it sounds harsh but I gotta let it out because it is eating me alive.

Im sooo angry inside about everything and I don't know how to fix it.

Im angry at certain friends for not coming to me and talking about things.
Im angry that I have been accused of being Drama when all I did was voice my opinion just like everyone else.
Im angry that when I was looking out for someone dear to me I got shit on in return.
Im angry that I don't get an opinion.
Im angry that when I say something its talking shit, but when anybody else says it its ok.
Im angry that things are different since I have moved away.
Im angry that I would be stupid enough to think if I went back everything would be the same.
Im angry that I have PCOS.
Im angry that my kidneys are shit and I hurt constantly.
Im angry that people are fake as hell.
Im angry that everybody cant just say whatever the hell the wanna say.
Im angry at the Army.
Im angry at school.
Im angry at myself.
Im angry at Texas.
Im angry that Im angry.

Im just plain angry. Please someone save me !

Something I just need to do ...

So I decided today that it would be a good idea to blog about life as a proud army wife and mother to two beautiful twins. HMM...Hopefully this whole blogging thing will come easy to me. I guess for my first blog I should introduce myself. So here goes nothing...

Hey Yall!! lol

My name is Lauren and I am 23 years old close to 24. I have had a pretty interesting life and I wouldn't change it for the world. I am a former air force brat so I have moved around my whole life so I have no real true place I call home. I would say that my heart is in Georgia :) I just love the warm weather,flip flops and that south Georgia twang ! I was born in Alaska, and have lived in Nebraska, New Jersey, Delaware, South Carolina, Germany, Georgia. I am now currently residing in good ole Texas.

I met my husband through very interesting terms. I actually picked him off of myspace! LOL. To make a long story short we instantly fell in love and got married in June of 2006. I'm not the typical Army wife who knew there husband before they got in and went through the whole basic and AIT thing. We met while he already had 4 years in service. We have been through a deployment to Iraq together and a unaccompanied tour to Korea. (Let me tell you its much different when its you spouse not your father). We have been through are ups and downs but are very much in love. Just the thought of him still puts a smile on my face and I am so thankful to have such a loving and caring husband and father to my children.

Now for the kiddos ! Chloe and Carter are my sweet little almost 8 month olds :) They are truly are little miracles. Cyle and I struggled with infertility for over a year and a half. I went through 4 rounds of Chlomid unsuccessfully. After be so disappointed with the Chlomid being unsuccessful we moved on to Follistim injectibles. We honestly did not think it would work and were pretty much going to give up for a while since Cyle was headed to Korea and we were continuously being disappointed with several failed attempts. To our surprise we found out we were pregnant with twins. This was a complete shock to us especially since the Doc had said it would be a miracle.
Im not going to lie being a mother of twins is not the fun and glamorous thing. The constant questions and gawking over them does get annoying. The lack of sleep certainly sucks as well. At the end of the day I truly thank the big man upstairs for these beautiful babies. They make me feel complete and having someone who truly loves you unconditionally is pro bally the most amazing feeling in the world. I am tearing up just typing this looking over at them sleeping so innocently in there bouncers :)

Currently I am going to school to get my bachelors in Education. ( definitely not English, as you can tell from my grammar LOL). I have been going to school forever! I have almost enough credit to have my masters but from moving so much and credits not transferring I basically got screwed. This may sound a little crazy but as of late I have been really thinking about switching majors all together. But I think the smart choose would be to suck it up and just finish it out. I would love to be a large animal vet or even a farrier.

So this is me ..take it or leave... I am what I am .. My life is a crazy one but I wouldn't have it any other way :)